Q&A: Sex Educator, Gigi Engle, gives you the best pointers for getting kinky in the bedroom
Question: Certified sex educator, Gigi Engle, teamed up with Vivastreet to answer your questions on all things kinks from the safety aspects to the importance of aftercare.
Want recommendations on the best days, times and places to have sex? Read the previous Q&A with Gigi here.
What are some important safety considerations to keep in mind when exploring kinks?
There are so many things to consider when it comes to kink and safety – both physical and emotional.
Here are the top 3 steps to take to ensure your kink play is A-OK:
1. Learn your stuff
Workshops, books, and articles online – find sex-positive resources. There are many sex-positive places to look online to help you delve deeper into your sexuality. Being good at sex and kink is not something we inherently know how to do. It is a learned behaviour.
Take time to learn your stuff – with all forms of sex, but especially with kink. And when it comes to kinks – things that are not a part of the normal sexual script – these skills are even more important. With things like breath play, rope tying, and impact play – it can be dangerous if done incorrectly. Taking time to sharpen your skills is necessary to make sure everyone stays safe.
2. Follow the rules of RACK
In order to engage in kink in a safe way, you need to understand RACK: Risk Awareness Consensual Kink. In RACK, you’re engaging with kink with full awareness of the risks and taking steps to ensure the safety of yourself and your partners – as well as ensuring everyone involved is fully consenting to all aspects of play. Enthusiastic consent is an absolute must with kink.
Subscribing to RACK means negotiating through a scene (a fantasy acted out IRL) thoroughly with whomever you’re playing with. If you’re playing with bondage, for example. You need to negotiate your (and your partner’s) limits, safewords (we’ll get to that), and desires. It’s all about creating a context where both people are safe and enjoying the experience.
3. Take your time and go slowly
Sometimes people are open to trying something, but can still be a bit nervous or unsure. Maybe it’s you, maybe it’s your partner(s), or maybe it’s both. It’s okay to be nervous when you haven’t tried something before. Take your time and go slowly – checking in as you go to ensure both people feel safe. There is no rush with this kind of play.
What are some methods for establishing clear boundaries and consent?
In the intricate landscape of intimate relationships, ensuring clear boundaries and enthusiastic consent is extremely important. These are some of the key steps you should take:
Communicate
BDSM comes with risk, which means every scene needs to be highly negotiated and talked through with partners. You need to be crystal clear about your boundaries and respect your partner’s boundaries. This means that we need to be aware of every single boundary and work within their confines for the duration of play. Communication throughout the scene can ensure everyone is feeling good and safe.
Employ a safe word
A safeword is a *non-sexual* word designed to *stop* all sexual play in its tracks. This word basically means, “I’ve reached my boundary”, “I’m uncomfortable”, “I don’t like this”. It’s a hard STOP. This word is very helpful when you’re feeling overwhelmed, upset, or anxious during sex.
A safeword is designed to safeguard your sexual comfort, but shouldn’t be something that evokes sexual meaning. It should be something you both understand means, “The boundary has been reached”.
These safewords are useful for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, in certain sexual situations, the word “No” doesn’t work. For instance, if you’re engaged in a ravishment fantasy or a BDSM scene, saying “No” might be a part of your or your partner’s character. So if you say “no”, your partner might not know you literally mean, “NO. STOP”. This has worrying implications. You don’t want to say “No” and not have your partner understand – this can be traumatic.
I suggest using the “Traffic Light System”.
Green = I’m all good. Let’s keep playing! Yay!
Yellow = I’m reaching a limit/I need to check in.
Red = STOP.
It’s straightforward and ensures everyone can feel comfortable and confident while playing.
Check in regularly
We love a good check-in. This ensures everyone feels safe at all times. Figure out a way to make this a part of the scene – use those safe words! Sometimes ‘yellow’ can denote – “I need a check-in”. This is an opportunity for partners to briefly stop, make sure everyone is doing okay, see if any additional care or precautions are needed, and decide how you’d both like to proceed.