Are long-term couples doomed to have boring sex?
Question: Is there truth to the idea that couples in longterm relationships can’t have exciting sex lives? Is it normal for sex to get boring?
Is the stereotype that sex for monogamous couples becomes boring over time valid?
It can certainly be valid in certain contexts. When we have the same kind of sex over and over again -- for years and years, we get bored. It's kind of like if you went to your favorite restaurant every single night and ordered the exact same thing. It's your favorite meal, but you'd still get bored.
Humans crave novelty. We want to feel surprised and excited. We want things to be fun and new. This is how we keep the spark alive in sex -- to foster that need for novelty, not squelch it out.
So, if a couple is doing the exact same sex routine, in the same ways, never changing it up or getting curious, sure their sex will probably become quite boring.
The important factors to consider.
When we're in long term relationships, all the New Relationship Energy we had at the beginning settles back to baseline. This is often misinterpreted as just "not being that into each other anymore."
I also think people assume this is "normal" or they "accept" that sex won't be good anymore. They basically just give up. This is really sad because you absolutely do not have to resign yourself to having a boring sex life. We need better education around sex in long term relationships so couples can know what is actually possible for them. These trops about 'boring married sex' are entirely unhelpful.
What to do if you find yourself in an LTR and the sex has become a snooze-fest.
We can change things up, introduce erotic material, watch porn together, try kink, and, for some people, they may try a threesome or some other form of non-monogamy. We can get that spark back simply by getting curious.
This will also mean making sex a priority. Get it on the calendar. Think of it as something exciting to look forward to -- something that is about connecting intimately, not just having a 2 minute hump. When both people are having sex that gives them orgasms, they crave it more. So, first address the kinds of sex you're having. Is it just PIV heterosexual sex? Because this is not how most people with clitorises have orgasms. First explore what brings both people pleasure, then get creative.
XOXO GIGI
Part of this blog originally appeared as an interview with AskMen.