A question I've been hearing more often lately is some version of: "Why do I keep losing attraction in real-life relationships?" or “Why is it that I find myself so into someone, only to find myself bored and over it really quickly?
The concern I hear underneath that question is this: Someone can get aroused by porn, fantasies, sexting, dating apps, or the excitement of someone new. But once they're in a stable relationship, desire seems to fade and it all becomes kind of “blah.” They start wondering if they've become incapable of sustaining attraction to a real person. And then they start to panic and feel like a broken POS.
It's an understandable fear, but I think the question itself points us toward something important, actually.
What if the issue isn't that we've lost the ability to experience desire? What if we've become accustomed to experiencing stimulation? What if the constantly dopamine rush is starting to really negatively impact us?
I need to be really clear here: Stimulation and eroticism are not the same thing.
Stimulation is all that juicy-ass intensity. It's novelty, unpredictability, endless options, and constant input. It grabs our attention quickly and keeps us hella engaged. Dating apps offer an endless stream of new faces. Social media provides a constant feed of attractive people being hot. Porn offers more novelty in ten minutes than most people would encounter in years of dating and humping.
Our brains are remarkably adaptable. The more we become accustomed to high levels of stimulation, the more ordinary experiences can feel comparatively muted.
That doesn't mean anything is wrong with us. It means our brains are doing exactly what brains do.
Before I go any further, I want to be very clear: It's important not to confuse this with addiction. The idea that someone has "fried their brain" with porn, dating apps, or social media is a popular narrative, but it's not how addiction works. Most people who struggle to maintain attraction in relationships are not addicted to novelty. What's often happening is much less dramatic, in fact.
Human brains adapt to repeated experiences. When we're regularly exposed to highly stimulating content, our attention and expectations can shift accordingly. Rather than addiction, this is evidence that our arousal systems are responsive to context. The goal isn't to eliminate fantasy, porn, or novelty. It's to understand how they interact with our erotic lives and to make sure they're not replacing the skills that help desire flourish in real-world relationships. Thinks things like: curiosity, presence, anticipation, and connection.
But let’s get back to the whole “losing attraction in relationships” story. The problem is that many people have started using stimulation as a measure of attraction.
If a partner doesn't create the same rush as a new match, a fantasy, or a highly curated online experience, they often assume the attraction is gone. In reality, they may be comparing two entirely different experiences.
Eroticism often develops differently than stimulation.
Eroticism involves anticipation, vulnerability, curiosity, tension, imagination, and emotional presence. It asks us to stay engaged long enough to discover what turns us on rather than having arousal delivered to us instantly.
For many people, this can feel unfamiliar in our dopamine-drenched world.
We've become so accustomed to immediate access that slower forms of desire can be mistaken for an absence of desire.
I see this particularly often with people who describe themselves as needing increasingly intense experiences to get turned on or stay interested sexually. They aren't necessarily less sexual. They're often highly sexual. What they're struggling with is the difference between intensity and erotic connection.
A relationship can be loving, secure, and emotionally healthy while still lacking sparky-ass erotic energy. That's real. But it's also worth asking whether we're giving relationships a fair chance to become “sexy enough” before deciding they aren't.
Many people are waiting to feel spontaneous desire before engaging sexually. Research consistently shows that desire doesn't always work that way, especially in long-term relationships. For a lot of people, desire emerges after sexual engagement, not before it. And not just randomly, as we’re incorrectly told it “should.”
In other words, attraction isn’t something that just “happens.” Sometimes it's something we cultivate. And it it exists in context, too.
This doesn't mean forcing sexual chemistry where none exists. And it certainly doesn't mean settling for something that isn’t working. It doesn't mean convincing yourself to be attracted to someone you're not attracted to.
What it actually means recognizing that erotic connection requires conditions that modern life often works against.
Attention. Presence. Imagination. Playfulness. Excitement.
These qualities don't compete well with an endless stream of novelty, but they're often the foundation of satisfying sexual relationships.
So has modern dating broken our ability to find IRL attraction in a sustained way?
I don't think so.
But I do think many of us have become accustomed to a level of stimulation that real life was never designed to match.
The good news is that attraction isn't measured by how intensely someone captures your attention in a single moment. It's measured by the capacity to remain curious, engaged, and open to discovering new layers of desire over time.
The big problem I see isn't that attraction has disappeared.
I suspend we’ve forgotten that eroticism was never supposed to feel like scrolling.
If this resonates with you, it might be worth getting curious about what you've come to expect attraction to feel like.
Here are some questions to ponder, my dear darlings:
When was the last time you gave yourself the opportunity to experience desire slowly rather than chasing it quickly?
Do you find yourself looking for sparks and butterflies all the time or are you making space for playfulness, and discovery?
Many of us have been taught to treat attraction as something that either arrives fully formed and ready or that it doesn't exist at all. But in reality, some of the most satisfying relationships are built between people who continue to explore each other long after the initial rush has faded. NRE simply cannot last forever, my friends.
One practical place to start is by paying attention to how much novelty and stimulation you're consuming versus how much you're actively creating in your life.
I’m not suggesting deleting your dating apps or swearing off porn. I’m asking whether you're giving your erotic life opportunities to breathe.
Spend less time evaluating whether you're attracted to someone and more time creating conditions that allow attraction to grow. Prioritize experiences that foster anticipation, flirtation, vulnerability, and play. Put your phone down during dates. Share fantasies. Try something new together. Make room for mutual discovery.
Strong relationships aren't built by competing with the endless stimulation available online and all around us, constantly. They're built by cultivating forms of connection that no algorithm can replicate.
Hope this helps and gets you thinking!
