Sadness After Sex: What It Means
QUESTION: I find that right after sex I feel really f-ing sad. Is this normal? What can I do about it?
What is post-coital dysphoria?
Post-coital dysphoria, or PCD, is defined as feelings of intense distress, anxiety, or sadness after a sexual experience - even when the experience was positive.
It’s absolutely crucial to point out that PCD only refers to consensual sexual experiences, and not those that resulted from an assault.
But isn’t good sex supposed to make you feel happy? After all, we always hear about the endorphins and reward chemicals produced by orgasms and other forms of sexual pleasure. Well, it turns out PCD is quite a common occurrence. That's because sex is a highly emotive experience, and the after-effect of all those brain chemicals doesn’t always result in that post-sex afterglow.
Humans are endlessly complex!
How common is post-coital dysphoria?
The post-sex blues are very common. In a 2019 study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, researchers gave an online questionnaire to 1,208 cisgender men. Forty-one percent of the participants reported an episode of postcoital dysphoria in their lifetime.
While post-coital dysphoria can occur for anyone of any gender, the study showed that cis women are 2.87 times more likely to experience it in their lifetime, and were 1.83 times more likely to experience it in the last 4 weeks. A 2015 study published in the journal Sexual Medicine looked at 230 cisgender female, heterosexual university students in Australia, ages 18 to 55. 46 percent of the women said they’d experienced PCD in the past. About 5% of study participants reported post-coital dysphoria symptoms in the past month.
While PCD is common, it isn’t wise to ignore it if it's ongoing and impacting your life in negative ways. We should always endeavor to be introspective when it comes to our sexual wellbeing, and seek help when we need it.
If this is something you or a partner experience, you’re not alone. Understanding post-coital dysphoria is key to finding ways to cope with it.
Symptoms to look out for.
The post-sex blues are an emotional crash that can sometimes occur at the end of the sexual response cycle. The common symptoms of post-coital dysphoria are:
Irritability
Anxiety
Agitation
Sadness
Depression
Crying spells
These symptoms can last for a few hours or even a couple of days. Every person’s experience will be different, and will be impacted by the steps they take after experiencing PCD symptoms.
Experiencing PCD can be incredibly jarring, as sadness is not the socially prescribed way to feel after a consensual sexual experience.
PCD can be especially unnerving when the sexual experience was highly pleasant and occurred in the context a satisfying relationship.
What causes the post-sex blues?
OK, so we know PCD means being sad after sex, but what on Earth causes this upsetting situation? Unfortunately, experts are still trying to figure that out.
The condition is thought to result from the high level of emotionality that comes with having sexual experiences. And due to the complexity of our fickle human emotions, the reasons you may experience post-coital dysphoria are also complex. There is a reason the French refer to orgasm as la petite mort, or the little death, after all. It can be very intense.
Sex and orgasm leads to a huge flush of hormones. And while this usually leans towards happiness, not everyone experiences the come-down from sex hormones in the same way.
TL;DR: There are a lot of reasons why PCD may happen, but it’s probably rooted in the highly intense experience that is sex.
What are the best ways to treat post-coital dysphoria?
If you’re experiencing post-coital dysphoria, there are many things you can do to help bring yourself back to a state of relaxation.
Sit with the emotions.
When we feel difficult and painful emotions, our gut reaction can be to push them away—but this doesn't help us in the long run. Instead, we need to sit with the feeling of sadness, without judgment, and name it. Accept what you’re feeling without judgement. Simply notice what you’re feeling and allow yourself to be with what you’re feeling. Emotions will not kill you. I promise.
Talk to your partner.
Good sex and positive sexual experiences are rooted in communication. Feeling supported is critical to regulating your emotions when PCD hits. This will also help get your partner in on what’s happening with you so they aren’t thrown by the information. You’re a team!
Practice mindfulness.
Mindfulness can be a great way to rebuild the connection with your mind and body. Focusing on breathing and staying present in the moment can hep to calm you down and take the bite out of particularly painful emotions.
This is by no means an exhaustive list. The things that help us return to a state of equilibrium will vary greatly from person to person. It can be helpful to sit down and make a list of all the activities and practices that you find soothing. This will give you a tangible go-to resource, should PCD hit.
When to get professionals involved in the journey.
Most instances of PCD are totally normal, but if post-sex sadness is something that you experience very regularly, or if it persists for many days or weeks, it may be a good time to seek the advice of a therapist (or a sex therapist).
If PCD is having a negative impact on your relationship and/or sex life, that's another reason to seek help. Having someone there to help you work through these issues can be a positive step towards healing.
Post-coital dysphoria is a very common phenomenon and speaks to the intricacies of human sexuality.
Highly variant emotional states shouldn’t be seen as outliers, but rather something to be expected. The important thing is to take the time and space you need to recover from PCD.
XOXO GIGI
Part of this blog post originally appeared on Men’s Health.