What is ‘performance anxiety’ during sex?
Question: I find that I’m having trouble maintaining erections because I get really anxious. And then, when I’m anxious, I also can’t get hard. What’s up?
What is performance anxiety generally?
Performance anxiety in the bedroom plagues at least 25% of the cis-male population. It’s time to give you some concrete ways to work on it so that you can have a more fulfilling sex life. Sexual performance anxiety (SPA) is the overpowering worry that you won’t be able to deliver sexually. This pervasive negative thought spiral stops you from engaging the way you truly want to in intimate situations.
What causes performance anxiety in a sexual context?
It can stem from many things, but it is usually connected to a fear of ‘underperforming’. Common factors that contribute to sexual performance anxiety are: anxiety/stress in general, negative body image, penis shame, fear around sexual performance, or embarrassment about sexual dysfunction (E.D., premature ejaculation, etc.).
What are some strategies guys could employ if they’re struggling with performance anxiety in bed?
Take erections off the table.
This may sound a bit counterintuitive, but achieving more reliable erections means removing erections for a hot minute. When we put a ton of pressure on ourselves to maintain erections (or not ejaculate too quickly), we wind up upping our performance anxiety. Taking erections off the table for a week or two is a great way to remove that pressure and therefore, have better sexual experiences.
Mindful masturbation.
Mindfulness is a huge help when it comes to performance anxiety. It brings your focus back into your body so that you can stop dissociating. It may sound off that you’d want to pay MORE attention to your penis in order to decrease anxiety, but it does work. When we disconnect or try to distract ourselves in order to avoid ejaculating, we actually lose the ability to control our erections. When you get better acquainted with your body, you gain a closer relationship with yourself.
The Squeeze Technique.
The Squeeze Technique is a tried-and-true sex therapy technique that is primarily used for premature ejaculation. However, it can help performance anxiety around any erection difficulty because it gives you a better sense of ejaculatory control over your orgasm.
When masturbating, squeeze the penis, with your forefinger and thumb, between the shaft and the glans, before the point of climax (the point of no return). Repeat this 5 times. After the fifth time, allow yourself to orgasm. Be sure the squeeze is gentle. You don’t need to hold your penis like it’s made of concrete, pals. Practice this technique on your own until it is mastered.
XOXO GIGI
Part of this blog originally appeared as an interview with AskMen.