What is Polyamory?
QUESTION: What is polyamory? What the term mean, exactly? What does it mean to be ethically non-monogamous?
What the deal is polyamory and what everyone should know.
It means being in a relationship with more than one person. Monogamy means "one" and "poly" means many. These are two relationships styles, but equally valid, that people choose to enter into in fully communicated, understood, and enthusiastic way.
Polyamory basically boils down to being non-monogamous in a consensual ethical way. This means everyone is on-board, excited about it, and ready for this next relationship step.
There are many ways polyamorous relationships can operate. If you’re married or in a long-term relationship, a a hierarchical structure might be of interest of to you (at least to start). Meaning: Your spouse is the primary partner, while all outside relationships are secondary. This might not be the case. You may be in a long-term relationship or marriage and still want all partners to have equal footing in your life. This is called a horizontalization of partners. Everyone has the same stake and is in a group relationship together - whether that be three (or more) people.
There are also different ways to have "relationships." You may decide that actual “relationships” outside of your primary partnership are not OK. Maybe you just want outside sexual relationships, without any romantic entanglement. Whatever works for you (and your potential partners) is perfectly normal and fine. Relationships should be built from the ground up, designing what works for each individual couple independently of societal expectations.
Just be sure that whatever you decide, it is a comfortable (and exciting!) choice for everyone involved. This takes a lot of negotiation and communication. Polyamory may sound super sexy, but it's 99% talking and 1% sex. Managing several relationships at once is complicated. It's doable, but it takes work.
How common is polyamory?
I don't have exact figures, but as we're starting to move into a more sex positive understanding of sex and what it means, these relationships are beginning to reveal themselves. Many people have open relationships and polyamory, it just hasn't been socially acceptable to talk about it until relatively recently. If I had to guess, we're going to start seeing these relationships more and more normalized as time goes on.
Monogamy is not the only or best way to have a relationship - in fact, many people who are naturally non-monogamous force themselves into monogamous structures because they don't feel they have another choice. This could be a great opportunity for people to have more choices and, ultimately, healthier and more honest relationships.
The best apps for poly and kinky folx.
I've heard the best place for poly people is usually Feeld. People have better overall experiences with this app, as it's meant for open relationships and those looking to explore alternative style sex (such as kink).
You can also try #open which is a new app build on the concept of non monogamous dating. More of these apps are likely to come up, as more people start exploring this lifestyle.
If you’re planning to use one of the more traditionally “monogamous” apps, you still need to be super clear about what you’re looking for.
It's important to be very honest and open about what you're looking for. Don't be cagey or coy because that is coming from a place of dishonesty, which is not a good place to start.
Be very clear in your profile about what you're looking for: A threesome, a third partner to join the relationship romantically? Get clear on boundaries and be ready to have some super honest conversations. It's also important to be sure both partners have access to the profile and are using it together. Total transparency is needed to make this work.
XOXO GIGI
This article originally appeared as an interview with Women’s Health.