Can You Ever Be ‘Too Horny’?
Question: Can you ever be ‘too horny?’ When does this become harmful in your life?
The vast majority of people who feel shame, sadness, or despair about their desire and sexual habits feel this way because the foundation of their sexual maturity has been steeped in shame.
These are harmful lies that cause deep psychological wounds on those who are simply enjoying an activity and human way of being that is perfectly natural. So, when considering whether your high libido is problematic, take time to think about the messages you received around sex growing up. Much of what we learned as children influences the way we perceive ourselves and our sexual habits as adults.
Here is tea: Pleasure is not a finite resource and it will never run out. Masturbation is normal. Wanting sex is normal. Being horny is normal. It's all normal.
Getting over the shame surrounding “horniness.”
Education. A lack of proper education contributes greatly to adulthood trauma around sexuality, owning our sexual identities, shame, and general fear. It is only with education that we can reduce the harm of these traumas. If we begin teaching sexuality in a comprehensive, holistic way, we will wind up with a healthier society.
We have sex for pleasure. It feels good. We want it because it feels good. We have orgasms and we want more orgasms. We want sex for many reasons that don’t even have anything to do with orgasms … maybe we want it because it brings us closer to a partner, ourselves, our self-understanding. Maybe we want to have sex because we are curious about trying something new, are feeling horny, want a pick-me-up or are just bored. Maybe we want to get it on because it’s a Monday.
Who the fuck cares? Sexual expression is magical in all its forms. Y'all know I’ve said it before, but I cannot say it enough: what happens between consenting adults is no one else’s business. We need to reframe our mindset and stop being so goddamn judgmental.
Understanding sex - what it is, what it isn’t, that it’s natural, that there are ways to have is safely, that being queer is normal, that sex is FUN - allows people to make informed, educated choices about their sexuality.
At what point does your horniness pose a problem?
If you're acting on your horniness (either by yourself or with partners) all day every day, ditching plans, not seeing friends, not doing your job, and generally not taking care of yourself, then, yeah, it might be time to rethink your habis.
While being horny and sexually adventurous is normal and totally OK, sometimes our behaviors can become out of control - sexually or otherwise. It can helpful to seek out help from a qualified sex therapist or coach to assist you in these instances. All in all, taking stock of one’s habits from a grounded, shameless place is not a harmful thing. Only in rare cases is sexual behavior something that has negative impacts on someone's mental and physical well-being. If you're being mindful, respectful of others and yourself, getting tested regularly, and having sex for pleasure (and not for unhealthy reasons - like having low self-esteem or trying to make someone like you), there's nothing to worry about. Sex is enjoyable and fun and you get on with your horny self.
What to do if you feel like your horniness is negatively impacting your life.
1. Increase sex education.
2. Take stock of your habits.
3. Go to therapy because it's always important to check in with yourself and stay grounded in your behaviors so you can grow.
What makes someone horny, anyway?
Desire (horniness) is a psychological and physical state that comes out of vastly complex social, biological, and psychological factors. The Dual Control Model speaks to a system of "accelerators" and "brakes" that govern sexual response in a non-linear way. “Accelerators” are things that propel you towards sexual feelings, they push you forward toward wanting sex. Your “brakes” are sexual inhibitions. They hold you back. When your brakes are going strong your brain is thinking: Nope. Now is not the time for sex.
Every person has both of these things and each person’s set of brakes and accelerators function differently.
The Dual Control Model builds on Helen Singer Kaplan’s model of desire, excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. Instead of a “one thing leads to another” style response cycle, it looks at the ways our brains and bodies respond as overlapping system. Phases will happen at different times for different people. Sexual response is complex system. This model shows how much variance there really is in human sexuality. Using this model has the potential to help you (or your partner) see how their sexuality is unique, not lacking. If you have a high desire for sex, get turned on really easily, use sex to deal with stress etc., you probably have a sensitive accelerator.
So, can you ever be ‘too horny’? In most cases, not really. You can be more horny than your partner and this can cause tension - but this isn’t the end of the world. There are ways to work around two differing libidos. Communication is lubrication. Well, and compromise.
Being horny can be really fun. Find ways to explore it safely and in a way that makes you feel awesome. This takes looking inward and considering where this insatiable horniness comes from. It might be a really great, healthy thing. And it probably is! Just remember, horniness is only a problem if you’re only spending time on sexual stimulation and masturbation and ignoring the rest of life. Chances are, you’re probably just fine.
XOXO GIGI
This article originally appeared as an interview with Men’s Health.
Order the book: All The F*cking Mistakes: a guide to sex, love, and life.