We spend most of our time thinking thinking about sex centered around sex with other people.
We worry about whether our partners find us attractive, obsess over how often we're getting railed, and tie ourselves in knots trying to figure out whether we're sexually compatible with someone. We're so busy worrying about what everyone else wants that we often forget to consider our own desires.
And somewhere in all of that anxious overthinking, your own sexuality can start to fade into the background.
I think we could all stand to pay a little more attention to the sexual relationship we have with ourselves. Because long before anyone else gets involved, there is a private, ongoing relationship with your own body, desire and pleasure.
And honestly, the sexual relationship you have with yourself might be the most important one you ever have. Let’s talk about it.
You are responsible for knowing yourself
A partner can learn your body, pay attention to what you enjoy, and become attuned to the things that make you feel good.
But they can't be responsible for mapping out your entire sexual landscape for you. That part takes getting to know yourself. It takes learning what feels good, what turns you on, what turns you off, what you're interested in exploring, and what you've outgrown.
That kind of self-knowledge gives you a sense of sexual selfhood. You know yourself as a sexual person, rather than only knowing yourself through the eyes of whoever you're sleeping with.
And that selfhood is fundamental whether you are single, dating, married, partnered, polyamorous etc.
Sexuality begins with you at the center.
Keep an erotic life that belongs to you alone
It’s healthy to have parts of your sexuality that exist entirely outside of your relationship. Masturbation, fantasy, erotic content, the things that catch your attention, the memories that still turn you on. All of it gives you a relationship with your sexuality that belongs to you alone.
Masturbation is one of the easiest ways to build that relationship because you get to pay attention to your own pleasure without having to think about anyone else. You can notice what feels good, what you've decided no longer works, and what kinds of stimulation and toys you keep coming back to. You might realize you’re into things you hadn’t thought about in years, or that some things you used to love just don’t do it for you anymore.
The more familiar you are with your own sexuality, the less dependent it becomes on another person to give you pleasure and fulfillment. And there is something really freeing in all that self-discovery and sexual development.
Stop measuring your desirability by how desirable other people find you
How attractive you feel can become tied to how much attention you’re getting. We all know this, right? When someone wants you, you feel sexy Af and hot. When they pull back, you can start looking for the problem in yourself.
Being desired feels fucking great. Of course it does. But you can’t build your entire sense of yourself as a sexual person around whether someone else is currently feeling your fine ass.
Your partner’s desire tells you about where they are sexually. It doesn’t tell you anything definitive about your body or how desirable you are. Write that down and reread it to yourself every single day until you believe it.
Try noticing the moments when you’re waiting for someone else to make you feel desirable, and do something that makes you feel sexy for yourself instead. Wear the underwear you like. Masturbate. Put on music that makes you feel good. Take a sexy pic you don't send anyone. In other words, seduce yourself, babyyy.
The point is to get used to the feeling of being sexy without needing someone else to confirm it. Because you, sweet angel, are enough.
Make time to actually know your body
Most of us know the handful of things that reliably get us off. We know the toy, fantasy, porn, movements etc. that are the bing, bang, boom orgasm go-tos, ya now?
But that isn’t necessarily the same as knowing our bodies particularly well.
When you masturbate, slow things down sometimes. Change the pace, try a different kind of touch (or toy), and see what happens when you stop doing exactly what you know works. Experimenting is ~fun~ and all that.
And spend some time enjoying your body when you aren't having sex or masturbating. Do things to get grounded, babe. Take a bath. Lie in bed naked. Put on that cute little something that makes you feel sexy. Let yourself feel good in your body without immediately thinking about whether it looks good.
That kind of familiarity with yourself is a big part of having a sexual relationship that actually feels like your own. The more comfortable we are with ourselves and the more comfortable we are with allowing ourselves joy and pleasure, the better things get for us.
Let your sexuality evolve
We are ever-changing and that’s a pretty cool thing about us peeps. The sexual person you were five years ago does not have to be the sexual person you are now.
Pay attention when something changes. You’re allowed to wake up one day and realize you don't want the same things you wanted six months ago. Hell, you might feel differently next Tuesday. You might want more sex, less sex, different sex, or find yourself interested in something that never really crossed your mind before.
And sometimes you’ll have absolutely no idea what you want. That’s okay too.
Your partner doesn’t need to be your entire sex life, and your relationship doesn’t have to hold every part of your sexuality.
You get to have a sexual relationship with yourself that changes as you do. And that’s pretty freakin’ beautiful, if you ask me.
